Friday, February 12, 2010

Hey Jealousy....

Why are we jealous?  Is it an in bread character trait or do we develop and hone this “quality?”  I always thought it was just me and my own personal failure to keep my feelings under control.  I have always been envious (read jealous) of those individuals that never seem to let their insecurities get the best of them and ultimately get jealous over someone else.  It doesn’t matter what it is, I am and always have been jealous of  The proverbial grass is always greener on the other side of my life. 

Lately, my jealousy is getting worse.  Combined with the depression that I seem to be drowning in, I don’t even think a full on cruise ship, much less a life boat, could pull me out of my utter jealous depressed funk.  Hi. My name is Shopgirl, and I am a jealous-aholic.  Currently, I am jealous of the bartender that I work with.  She is younger than me – by like 16+ years.  (How is she even OLD enough to serve drinks?  Oh yeah, that’s right, because I’m a god-damn fossil, that’s how.)  I’m jealous that she’s skinny - and yes, she IS skinny even though Dave you say she’s not.  She is skinnier than me and that’s what makes me insane. Hell, YOU are skinnier than me!  Do you know how INSANE that makes me?  Yes, I believe you do. 

Even as I write this, I look over it and can see how dumb (for lack of a better word) that I’m being.  So what, that this girl is skinnier than me?  I could do something about it.  Like for instance, I could put the pasta fork down and step away from the garlic bread.  But we all know that I won’t do that.  But, what is the worst part of all of this is that I’m jealous of her because of something so superficial.  She is biggest dumb-ass that I have ever met.  She can’t add or subtract (shut up, I can count change back – most of the time.)  She dropped out of some sort of makeup/facial College.  Really?  You can’t even complete a cosmetic course?   (I’m not saying beauty school is not hard – read on –you’ll see that I’m not the brightest when it comes to school)  

So, when I’m feeling down, why can’t I pump myself up?  I have two college degrees, granted, I could be a doctor based on how long it took me to get those two degrees, but none the less, I have them.  I have owned my own house for over 10 years, and even right now, being unemployed I’m able to pay all of my bills. 

Yet, when I’m feeling down or that jealous feeling spreads throughout my body, all I can concentrate on is that she’s younger and skinnier than me. It doesn’t help when my friend calls me right before I go in for my shift to tell me how much money she’s made in tips, or how everyone is so anxious to help her.  When I’m there?  Yeah, I’m pretty much left to my own devices.  No help for the old fat broad, but the young, ditzy skinny bitch?  Gets.all.the.attention.  Bitter?  YES I AM.   

Again, I could look at it from a different angle, like, I’m left alone because I know what the FUCK I’m doing and I can count money and my drawer is never (well up until lately) off. (yes, I had a bad day with the cash drawer – off by $20 – it was a busy day and I’m sure I just counted change back incorrectly, but here we go – I have ONE MORE thing to beat myself up for.)

But, do I look at all the good that is going on in my life?  No.  I, Shopgirl, could never think like that.  Instead, I choose to wallow in my own depression/jealous/bitter filled cesspool of emotion.  Why?  Why do I do that?  And, more importantly, if I was being told this story by any of my girlfriends I would LITERALLY kick their asses (or the stupid bitch of a bartender that’s making her so sad) and tell her that she not only rocks but she’s the best thing in the world and that skanky bitch has nothing on her.  (and for a small price, could be made to disappear. – I’m just saying.)  But, I can’t do it for myself.  WHY?? 

For those of you that still come to see what Shopgirl is up to, leave your thoughts on jealousy and share with me if you’ve ever been in this kind of situation.  What have you done?  I’m not fishing for compliments here (although – YOU could quit pushing my buttons just leave your thoughts….

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a “boob” shirt.  If I can’t beat (maime) her, then I’m going to pullout the “girls” and work what my momma gave me…..   I need the tip money!!