Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Since I have more fans on Facebook than here.... I'll post here.

I can't believe my mouth some days - or in this case, my fingers, via texting.  When did I become so mean and cruel to someone I care so much about?  God, WTF is wrong with me and why do I act like that?  Why do I allow myself to get so upset and then blow like a nasty foul-mouthed volcano?  WHOOOSH!!! Hatred - pure hatred and I took the time to actually write (well, text) it all out and then PRESSED SEND!  I can't undo it and I think this time may have been the last time, because there have been many, many times before and I have been forgiven (not forgotten, but forgiven - made fun of, but eventually forgiven)  I don't know if that will happen this time - and I'm not only sad about it, but I'm confused and hurt and PISSED. At myself.  

How can a 10+year friendship come to this?  Why can't I just let my best friend live THIER life and I live MINE?  Why do I have to "know" everything.  You know that old saying: "curiosity killed the cat?" - well, last night I think that this Cunt old cat killed the one relationship that she thought would be in her life forever.  All because I can't control my emotions and temper.  I'm a mean girl.  When did this happen?  Or have I been this way my entire life but able to control it better when my life was somewhat "normal?" 

I've been using the excuse of losing my job as my reason for becoming bitter and therefore able to lash out at those that I love most.  Well sister, it's been almost TWO FUCKING years now, get the fuck over it already...  I wish I could - I just don't know how.  I'm losing it - literally and figuratively.  My finances are a mess - mainly because I don't want to deal with them - I think I have the money there - but then again it's easier for me to play the victim role.  WHO THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME??

I practically have no friends - no close friends anyway - I really never did before - I always just had a small "close" circle of friends but over the years, those few, yet valuable, friendships have whittled down to TWO EXTREMELY close relationships - mainly because of life changes, kids, schedules, etc.
I love these two friends so much and they mean so.much. to me, and last night I really didn't play fair and said some pretty awful things to one of them.  I cannot even THINK about my life without you in it - I think you may know me better than I know myself  - maybe that's why you've forgiven so many times.

I've not only alienated my friends but I feel like I've lost my desire for almost everything in my life.  I've lost my desire to blog, obviously since my last blog was back in May and now I'm here - confessing my soul because I know no one comes here anymore.   I used to love to blog and couldn't wait to write down the funny things that happened in my life as shopgirl.  I used to like to take pictures/photographs and walk my dogs and a lot of other things.  Now?  I love nothing. 

At least I got it out - this blog - because today, all I've wanted to do was make a call - but I know it won't be answered and right now, I don't think I can take that. 

Dear friend: If you still come here - I won't say the "s" word -but I regret how things went down.  I don't know why I went there last night - I don't know why I need to know your business.  I could blame a whole host of things from my parents to my upbringing to my past and now my present.  But it doesn't do any good and it can't take away what happened.  I'm NOT sorry about some of the things I said - but I "regret" the tone and the place/way they were said. 

I'm sad and mad that you're moving (on? perhaps) without me.  They say misery loves company, I guess I just don't want to be alone.  But that is not YOUR problem - I know this.

I need to move on and find a new obsession hobby. 

I won't say "I'm 'S' - all I can say is that I'll try.