Friday, June 27, 2008

Just the three of us.

So, I'm packing up my scrapbooking supplies today for my monthly "Scrap Mania" tomorrow night - I know, I'm a craft geek. Really, I just like to buy all the scrap book stuff - papers/crimpers/die cutters/scissors/ribbons/glue dots and glue tabs - oh my! More on my SCRAP-BOOKING another time.

So, as I was packing everything up, I found this picture of me, Dave and Jerry from a few years back. Since this picture was taken "pre-digital," meaning before I forked over the money for a digital camera, I don't know exactly WHEN the picture was taken. On the back there is a date stamp of 12/05 on it, however, I think it was actually taken in September or October. I know it was the fall because of my outfit. I remember this outfit (it's still in my closet waiting for my ass to shrink) because I had KILLER tall boots that showed just enough leg below the skirt that you can't see. (Trust me on this one, I looked go-oood.)

Anyway, this has is one of my favorite pictures of the three of us (and it's not because it was shot while we were still sober) it's because we all looked FIERCE. (Seriously, we're a good looking trio here!) From left to right Jerry is looking so fresh faced that I just know he masked and moisturized the night before (with Clinique no less!) I, of course, have fabulous hair, (it really IS all about the hair product) and check out that plunging neckline - hello ladies! Dave looks so FABULOUS in his suit (you really should dress up more often.) And yes, Jerry I know you've got the Aveda product in the hair - it is perfect. You were the popular one that night!
And he was, too. After this picture was taken, the three of us headed to a charity event downtown. There was an open bar (or Dave paid - same thing) and Champagne. Not just ANY champagne, J. Roget (pronounced J Row-shhay!) There was also a strawberry tree - seriously it was a Styrofoam shaped tree with fresh strawberries on it. (Think Pretty Woman and the first night with Richard Gere scene.) What can I say? It was a fancy-sman-shy charity event. Once inside the event David promptly ditched us as he usually does because if there's alcohol involved it's going to get ugly with the two of us there.

A little back-story on me and Jerry goes something like this. We are good friends and get along great . . . until one of us has had too much to drink. Then it becomes every man (queen) for him/herself and we're fighting like Grace and Jack on "Will and Grace," because one of us isn't getting enough attention from Dave.

This is probably why Dave ditched us immediately upon entering the event. There were a lot of "big wigs" (woo-hoo the Mayor was there) and "more important people than me and Jerry" there, so off he went. It didn't matter to us, Jerry and I parked our FABULOUS asses next to the J. Roget and Strawberry tree and waited for people to notice us. Jerry of course was "chatty" with everyone and we entertained ourselves by talking to (and about ) everyone.
After picking the tree dry and downing about 2 or 10 glasses of champagne, I was summoned by Dave to join him for the charity auction that was about to begin. By then, Jerry was off being popular and talking to 'cute boys' so there was no getting him to join us. The champagne had clearly kicked in.

So the auction (show) begins with the host and some radio personality welcoming and thanking us for attending the event and that the bidding would begin. When I say "begin" I mean the host has a microphone, and, Jerry does not, so he decides that this is the perfect time to introduce HIMSELF to everyone. The hosts of the event tried to proceed with the auction, but there was no stopping Jerry. He is, after all, the Gay Katie Couric of Akron, and he'll tell you so too (like he told everyone that night.) Picture Harvey Fierstein, Jack McFarland from Will and Grace and Nathan Lane from Birdcage all rolled into one colorful package and you've got our dear friend Jerry.

And so the show goes on . . . the first item to be auctioned off that night was a lovely painting that the host proclaimed was just gorgeous and the bidding would start at $200. Then, out of nowhere, Jerry saunters up to the stage and grabs the painting out of their hands and says "It's $200 for the painting but not for me!" Talk about making an entrance. I couldn't help but giggle. A LOT. OUTLOUD. The rest of the audience, however, sat there in shock. I was immediately "hushed" by Dave as he tried to help the hosts gain control of Jerry and the show. Impossible - but fun to watch.

The auction went on, quickly I might add, and so did Katie (Jerry). After being yelled at by Dave he sat down with us, but not without comment, and then he was off again because he found someone (cute boys) more interesting than us to go chat with. The auction, and Jerry's performance, was quite fun and we (me) bid on a couple of things. Jerry even got in on the action (of course he did) and won himself a clay bowl/pot of some sort, and immediately announced -OUTLOUD - that he would put it on eBay as soon as he got home. That is, if he didn't break it because he kept dropping the bowl all over the place.
I won too (with Dave's money.) We got the Margarita mix/glasses/salt for the glasses and tortilla chips package. It was so cute! Too bad by the time we won we (Dave too) were completely intoxicated and decided that throwing it (glass bottle and margarita glasses) in Dave's trunk was a good idea. Dave sold his car shortly thereafter.

The event came to an end but we were just getting started. After packing (throwing) our auction items in Dave's trunk we met up with more friends to continue the merriment of the evening. And by merriment I mean more of Jerry's performance. He was, after all, the popular one that night.

As for returning the following year - sadly, 2005 marked the last year they held this event - I guess we just made too much of an impression!
Never a dull evening with the 3 of us . . .

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Update to my broken Dog - scroll down and read Dave Broke my dog first . . .

Tonight Dave came over to cook dinner for my friend Jerry and I and Daisy nearly knocked Dave over with the jumping and licking. (So maybe she’s not broke after all.) Dinner, however, was scrumptious. (Even though you yelled at me about everything I bought or had in MY kitchen.)

We had Chicken and Arugula Sandwiches from the Giant recipe collection. I was in charge of the ingredients and Dave would be all Rachael-Dave for the evening. So, I shopped at lunch and got the ingredients and for those of you that know me, I HATE TO GROCERY SHOP so I do it as quickly as possible. And of course, I didn’t do it to Dave’s liking.

First off, if you do make this recipe - (and you should because it's quite tasty)

– it calls for 1 Tablespoon of Honey and I want everyone out there to know that Honey costs $5 for that STUPID BEAR shaped jar! $5 FREAKING DOLLARS – what am I ever going to use Honey for again?? So, I’m going to give you a tip that my BFF gave me AFTER we had dinner. Go to Starbucks and ask for a couple of packages – unless you feel you’ll have a need for Honey in future – which I’m pretty sure I won’t. You can also go to KFC and do the same. (Dave and I thought of this one - umm.. hello? Biscuits anyone?)

So I get the ingredients and when Dave gets to my house he immediately mocks my shopping – because instead of horseradish sauce, (doesn’t it look like hoser radish? – anyway ...) I got some sort of creamy horseradish thing in a squirt bottle. I swear, it was the only HORSERADISH sauce I saw. (According to Dave, and his almighty grocery shopping knowledge, NO. There are 100’s of different kinds to choose from.) I of course argued and lost round 1.

Round 2: Bread – Recipe calls for: 4 Slice Giant Eagle sunflower seed bread, lightly toasted. Now last night, Dave told me to get the same type of bread we had for dinner last week when he cooked (yes you did because that’s why I bought what I bought). I went to the bakery section of the store and bought some sort of Mediterranean bread loaf that just looked and smelled YUMMY and didn’t even think about slicing it up for sandwiches. I’ll say it again: I WAS IN CHARGE OF INGREDIENTS, NOT PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER. Jill loses round 2.

Round 3: Side Dish(es) Dave tells me that after foraging through my fridge/freezer last week that I have enough frozen vegetables to feed a small army so he’ll defrost and season to every one’s liking. I decide that potato chips sound like the perfect side dish to a sandwich and pick up a bag of Wavy Lays. (What? Potato’s are a vegetable.) Fast forward. I’m upstairs cleaning my room waiting for my dinner and hear Dave scream for me to “come and look at this” and am forced to view several bricks of ice and corn, ice and peas/carrots combo, ice and a medley of veggies. (I really did have enough to feed an army - or, build my very own igloo.) Round 3 looks to be a wash because of my back up plan – MY wavy vegetables and, I included fruit to our dinner. It’s officially Summer (or at least it feels that way) in Ohio and that usually means that fresh fruit is served with dinner. Luckily I had this planned out – I had a very ripe Orange to go with the Blue Moon Beer!

Victory! Victory! I’m number one! You can’t have sandwiches without the beer! And Oranges are a necessary ingredient when drinking a Blue Moon.

So there I sit, enjoying dinner and I can’t help but think that Dave somewhat resembles my dad; making me look at everything I’ve done wrong. Seriously, who does this? No wonder I have self esteem issues. Tell me what I’ve done RIGHT (make up shit if you have to). He also makes fun of how much food I have in my house that is WAY past its expiration date. Honestly, no wonder I’m broke, I buy all this food and I don’t even like to cook – so it just sits in my fridge/freezer or shelf and collects dust or congeals to a gel-like consistency. (Last week’s dinner? I was POSITIVE I had red wine vinegar or something that we (Dave) needed for the recipe. Anyway, I DID have it but, as Dave pointed out - by making me look at it – again, why? - it was like a big glob of red-wine goo.) So I like to buy stuff – that’s another story altogether. Total score: Dave is a great cook and I AM a great shopper. I also decide that Dave would be both a good dad and an awful dad all at once. Good thing we never had kids . .. (Dear God – imagine if?)

Then, just as quickly as he came and prepared dinner, he was off and out the door. Jerry came over later and we of course gossiped and laughed about everyone and anyone we could think of. Later - I got to clean up, but that was the best part - I’m a sick freak who actually LOVES to clean up. It’s the only time I can see all the stuff I’ve bought for my kitchen.

California Dreaming . . .

So, week two in California was a busy one. We (my District Manager and Store manager) had three solid days of interviewing candidates for a new store that will open in the fall in Chino Hills. This part of my job never gets old (well, maybe at the end of the day) because people will tell you the craziest things in an interview (or anywhere for that matter.) Don’t believe me? Next time you’re talking to a complete stranger, on the bus, a plane, at the mall – wherever, just start talking to them and out of no where ask them something personal and see what happens. I get to experience this every week. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s really true that people will tell you just about anything, but I get so many crazy answers and stories to my interview questions that I am seriously thinking about writing a book. (hmmmm…. I think I have an idea for another blog!)

So since I’m all the way out in California for three days of work, I decided to stay the weekend and take in the sights (beaches) of sunny California. Well, first off, it was UNSEASONABLY warm that week. I’m talking three digit temps. I think the last day I was there it was an ungodly 113 degrees! I had sweat in places I didn’t think could sweat. Very pretty sight I might add, too.

Staying the extra couple of days sounded like a good idea when I booked the trip like 2-3 weeks prior. After being in L.A. the first week and then another right after, (and being homesick) those extra days sounded more like boot camp than vacation to me. I was really looking forward to hitting the beach – but since it was so hot I didn’t feel like lugging myself and all my beach necessities to and from the car. This is when boyfriends come in handy, they carry stuff and feel all manly and I can act girly as I walk in my cute new bathing suit, cover up and flipity – flops and find the perfect spot in the sand. It’s a win-win really. But, with no man at hand, that idea was shot to hell.

I was discussing this point with Dave, when he tells me that he can’t believe I haven’t “hooked-up” with men while I’m on the road. I’m in a different city/hotel every week – why haven’t I done this? His tone is serious and I’m like, “haven’t you watched Law and Order SVU ever? Um, hello. . . . people DIE ALONE in HOTEL ROOMS with NO ONE BACK HOME knowing what happened to them!” Ok, so maybe I watch a little too much CSI, Law and Order, The First 48 and Cold Case Files, but still – it happens – all of those shows, while fictional, are BASED on ACTUAL events. (It says so in the credits.)

Anyway, he somehow convinces me to go on and see if anyone is looking for a hook-up in the OC. But, my computer’s firewall prevents me from checking Craigslist out, so we decide on Now, Dave is at my house on my computer and logged in as me and I’m in CA on my work computer and logged in as well and we’re both looking for a man for me that I can go on a date with. Is Dave not the greatest man on this earth or what? (and you cook – yes, you rock right now Dave). So, we begin our search and I narrow it down to those who are on line at that moment. I’m only going to be in L.A. for the weekend, I need to act quickly. So I find a couple and start off with a wink and then email. I can’t believe how easy it was and how quickly I got over my anxiety about this whole thing. Dave and I finish chatting for the evening, since it’s late in Ohio and we’re about to say our goodbye’s and just as I hang up, I got an instant message from Bachelor number one.

It's 2am in Ohio and I need to get my beauty sleep. Stay tuned . . .

MEN . . . CAN'T LIVE WITH(OUT) 'EM . . . .

So that first week in California I got an email for a date from a former boyfriend, or whatever he called himself. I prefer to think of him as the guy who works for the CIA. You know the type, he's all over me for like 2 months making plans for all kinds of things like going boating or bike riding or what-the-fuck-ever is on him mind at that moment, and talking about vacations we should take. Then, just as soon as I feel comfortable knowing that he's there by my side, WHAM! He's been re-assigned to someone else's life and I'm left defenseless against my own insecurities.

Well, after listening to Dave and my friend Jerry’s' advice I emailed said man back and accepted his offer for a date a week ago. (Who am I kidding? I would have called him anyway - shut up, you've all been there.) So, we chat a bit and make the plan for our hook-up (I mean date) and it's like we haven't missed a beat. I mean it's only been a year or so but hey, who's counting? (Not me anyway)

We head downtown to have dinner/drinks, drinks and more drinks. If I'm going to pick up where we left off - I'm going to need a boat-load of drinks, and of course food - lots of food (that I won't eat because he ALWAYS talks about dieting when we go out to eat (WTF????) Fine, if I can't eat like I want to, I'll spend your money on food that will just sit there and then I'll just drink/drunk on your tab. Dear God and Baby Jesus, why oh why do I like this man?? We start with small talk to catch up. How’s so and so and so and so. What’s new with them? What have you been up to since the last time I saw you (ripping my beating heart from my chest?) You know, light conversation over food and (haunted) spirits.

He then switches the conversation to my travels. Am I still traveling a lot? Where have I been so far this year? And then, then he asks me if I've ever been to San Diego . He knows I have, and I tell him so and when I ask why he asks, and get this, he says that he was just there this past February. I let it go for a minute - he travels for his job too, but has never traveled West before. We start talking about downtown SD and the Gas Lamp District and how much fun it is, yada yada yada, but he only had one night there because his CRUISE left port the next day. (SCREEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH goes the record/music in my head) "What?? You went on a CRUISE?" I ask (scream). "With whom? - Cunt face? (Name has been changed on her behalf).

That FUCKING bitch went on my GODDAMN cruise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just looked at him and smiled (while I tried to stop the screaming inside my head) and simply said, "We need more drinks." Inside I was seething and what I really wanted to do was punch him in the balls, but I decided I'd hit him where it would hurt him more and make me feel a whole lot better; his wallet. I then told the bartender that I was feeling adventurous and to make me anything "tropical" and with an umbrella. You know the kind; the put-every-kind-of-alcohol-in-the-drink-to-make-it-more-expensive (since it's on him and oh yeah, give yourself a big fat tip.) So I ordered 2 or 10 drinks like this (shots too) to help me forget that I didn't go on a cruise this past February (it didn't work) but it did make me forget about kicking his head in. We sat there for a few more hours, drinking enough to cover the cost of another cruise, and started talking about past Jimmy Buffet concerts (his hand on my knee) and being on the boat up at the lake (his hand on my thigh) with his friends and maybe (hand moving all over) we'll go again this summer. Yada yada yada - here we go again. . . . I hate him, I really do - but I like making out and yada yada yada-ing more. (Whatev - all bets are off when you’re drunk.)

BTW - Cunt-face is out of the picture (of course she is - she got MY cruise and then ditched the rat bastard)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I'm back and Dave Broke my Dog

I'm back. Back home, back at work and back to my blog. A lot has happened since my last true blog. As you know, I was in California for two weeks for work and Dave was watching my Daisy Dog and my house. That first week Daisy killed a squirrel, Dave realized that dogs do have feelings and I got an email from a past boyfriend. (see past blogs) Anyway – it seems that my writer’s block is gone and all it took was to get me back to my office and what do you know, I can write again. Why can’t I write when I’m at home? I don’t know but I’m going with it. I’ll call it my smoke break. So here goes . . .


Daisy now loves to be outside for hours on end and, to my dismay, LOVES to lie in the dirt. Dave thinks this is HILARIOUS; however, I (and my white comforter on my bed) do not. "She loves to be outside" he says. I found this out when I returned home this past Sunday and she didn't want to take an 8 hour nap with me. What? I took the red-eye home and I was dog tired. (No pun intended) AND, I was still on CA time so it was like only a 5 hour nap. Anyway, my point is - she didn't want to lie on the bed and have me snuggle with her like a teddy bear - she wanted to be OUTSIDE - in the dirt!!!

"What did you do to my dog?" I wailed to Dave on the phone later that night. "She wants out constantly and stays out all day!"

"That's what dogs do," he replied dryly.

That's not what she did before I left YOU in charge - I thought to myself.

"I want her in the house with me, licking, kissing, and jumping on me in an “I’m oh-so-happy-that-you’re-home – kind of way."

And so began the conversation of how I'm the problem with my dog and that she should NOT be licking (never going to happen by the way) or jumping on anyone and all of his work will go to waste because mommy's home. I'm not consistent with my training and blah, blah, blah, blah, b-l-a-h!

I know this - Before I left for California, I had the happiest 'I-love-my-mom-so-much-that-I-just-can't-stop-licking-you' dog and now that I'm back, I have a dog that wants to do her own thing outside, in the dirt no less, without me telling her how much I missed her and love her. I now have the equivalent of a man living with me. WTF?

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I've got writers block . . . .

Or is it possible that this was just another "hobby" of mine, like photograhy and scrapbooking? Shut up Dave - I WILL scrapbook something someday and I may still buy more scrapbooking supplies! (And if you even try to sell or get rid of one little scrap book sticker or die cut while I'm in LA next week - you will die)

I have tried and tried to write "Part Deux" of "Me and my friend Dave" and I just can't get it started. Anyone else out there have this kind of block when it comes to blogging?? Should I go out and get more wine??

I've got lots of stuff to write -but just can't get it from my big 'ol head to this blog . . .

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Man oh Man . . .

You want me, you don't want me. When I want you, you're 'seeing someone new' and "just don't want to go back down that road again."

Oh yeah? What ROAD is that? The one where you see me for a few months, talk about vacations and trips we'll never take? Then, just as I regain my self confidence and start to enjoy our time together, you disappear for God knows how long and I'm left to recover again.

I FINALLY got you out of my system AND my cell phone (no more drunken dialing for me) and what happens? I get an email from you and it starts it all over again. . .

I hate you.

That's why I deleted your email and blocked you from sending any others.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Is it just me or do I need to up my medication?

When I graduated from High School (about 5 or so years ago) I was voted one of the "Most Friendliest" in the school. This was LONG before Prozac, Celexia, Xanax or any other mood altering drug was available at your local pharmacy. Today, however, I think I'd be voted "Most Likely to Climb Over The Counter and Punch Your Stupid Face In Because You Didn't Say Thank You For Spending Your Hard Earned Money, Thus Giving Me A Reason To Have A Job As A Cashier Here." Do you think I should talk with someone about my feelings towards the incompetent cashiers/flight attendants/wait staff/any retail clerk out there that just wants to irritate me? Or is it just me? Maybe I'm getting old and becoming one of those "old folks" who say things like "when I was a kid, you'd never speak to a customer/adult/man/woman like that. Oh shit. I've become my dad. Seriously though, I think my FABULOUS job that takes me from one coast to the next, on a pretty frequent flyer basis, has jaded me for life.

My job, as a recruiter, is to travel this DIVERSE country and help recruit "top talent" for our new stores that we open every year. (I don't get paid NEARLY enough to endure the "top talent" out there.) On any given Monday through Wednesday I am usually in one mall or Lifestyle Center looking for this "top talent" in hopes to; 1. see this talented individual actually provide superior customer service and 2. actually sell something to ANY customer that walks into their store. This sounded REALLY glamorous when I signed up for this gig, especially since I was a bonafide shopaholic and I figured I'd get my fix so many times a month it would surely keep that monkey off my back.

In actuality it is usually an 8-10 hour day that literally sucks the life right out of me. I don't even know where to begin explaining to anyone the amount of retardation we have in our society. Like yesterday for example, I went to the Barnes and Noble bookstore to find a book that was recommended on one of the blogs I follow. I got to the store, looked it up on their computer (all by myself I might add, since NOBODY was anywhere to be found to help me), and discovered that it was indeed in-stock and in the store and located in a section marked "BRG -BKS." Since I'm not fluent in Barnesandnoble-ese, I headed to the "Customer Service Desk" to ask for help. First off, lets just call this desk what it really is. It's the "I care more about what my co-workers think of the V-cast features on my brand new cell phone that my over indulging mommy and daddy bought me last week, than I do about helping a customer find a book - desk."

After hearing all the latest ringtones on Johnny's new phone, I asked him what BRG-BKS meant and he said (while pointing )that the book was located in the bargain section in the middle of the store. I then, GASP, asked him if he could actually help me find it and of course I got a "look" and it took every ounce of energy I had left NOT to fucking tackle him right there. So, Johnny leads me over to where this book is supposed to be and of course it's not there. But do you know what IS there? A Calvin and Hobbes book that Johnny picks up and starts to thumb through. Impatiently I ask Johnny if perhaps I looked it up in the computer wrong and if there was a way we could look it up again. Translation "hey fucknub do you think you could tear yourself away from the comic book long enough to actually provide me ANY customer service?" Johnny's response? "Oh yeah, there are computers over there (more pointing) and YOU can look it up again." Seriously, had there not been a security person from the shopping center in the store at the time, I honestly don't know what I would have done.

I walk away and thank him for his help (sarcastically) and head back to the computer to start all over. As I'm typing away at the computer on my OWN, Johnny Douche Bag comes up and I swear to you, hovers behind me reading the computer over my shoulder. OK so I lost it. I turned around and held my hand to him and yelled (in my best Dave voice) "No! You are useless and a complete waste of my time. Go away, I will find the book on my own." Or something perhaps a little meaner - I was hungry and honestly just in the bookstore killing time until my dinner was ready for pickup. Not even rattled, he turned and walked away and I never found my book.

OK, Barnes and Noble and every other flat-lining retail corporation out there, listen up. Do you want to turn that P & L statement around? Eliminate your Customer Service department. There were two Customer Service reps working last night and I'm sure that there's more on the payroll. Cut 'em loose. You'll probably see no change in the over all gratification from customers (since we're used to doing all the work ourselves) but your bottom line will improve. Oh, and also at the register, I don't want to buy a $25 SAVINGS CLUB Card to save 10% fucking percent on my $11 sale. I'm no math major (I'm too pretty to do math) but I don't see how spending $25 to save $1.10 is a good thing.

What do you think? Is it me or is there a LOT OF RETARDATION in this world??
Share your thoughts on your recent "customer service" or pleasant sales person.

Daisy 1, Squirrel 0 and Dave understands feelings

This week I'm in sunny California for work (don't hate the player) and Dave is staying at my house and watching the Daisy Dog. (More on letting him (or anyone really) stay at my house alone in another blog.) In earlier blogs, I have mentioned that I have had the Daisy Dog for about a year now. In fact, November will mark 2 years, which sadly is longer than most of my relationships. (Yet ANOTHER subject for a future blog.) In the time that Daisy has been at my house she has been tormented by the squirrels in my back yard. They also tormented my beloved Roxy, my previous dog before Daisy. Anyway, Daisy has tried, with no luck, to catch one of these mothers for the past year and a half every time she goes out to the back yard or on a walk through the 'hood. I even help her out with this by luring them into the yard with my bird feeders that are always full of yummy seed. I also have Indian corn out there to entice the critters to come into the yard.

Now, before you go all PETA on me, I have no expectation of my dog EVER catching one of these furry little bastards, I just figure I'm making the squirrel work for its food and I'm giving Daisy her cardio for the week. But, that all changed this week while Dave was in command. As mentioned, Dave is watching Daisy while I'm away. I left him pretty basic notes on her care; how much to feed her, her potty schedule, treats, how to put the leash/harness combo on her (while she's going APESHIT because she's going for a WALK). I honestly can't believe that I didn't have a book written of ALL THINGS DAISY for him since I spoil her so much, I guess I just got lazy.

So, yesterday I get a somewhat frantic call from Dave, regarding my policy on letting my dog KILL things. I think his EXACT words to me were 'Do you let her kill things?' and I'm like "What? Of course I don't let her KILL things!! What the heck are you talking about?" He tells me that while she was outside he all of a sudden heard this screeching kind of noise. When he got out there to see what was going on, Daisy had a squirrel in her mouth and she was shaking it like a rag doll!! OK, so I would have flipped out if it was me, but hearing Dave tell me this story nearly made me run my car off the road! All I could picture was my big bad Daisy tearing this squirrel to shreds while Dave stood there in horror. I WISH I would have installed a web cam before I left. Again, no PETA comments on this one, I'm the most animal (dog) friendly person around and I don't encourage the death of any animal, but there is some kind of sweet revenge in all of this. I bet Roxy is up in Doggie Heaven doing a little victory dance for the Daize-meister.

Back to Death Grip One, Dave ran out and yelled at Daisy to drop the squirrel, which of course she didn't, so he ended up grabbing her by the collar and make her drop the rodent. Any dog owners out there know that Daisy immediately chased after the squirrel, who stupidly did not run for his life and out of the yard, and grabbed him back up again. Dave yelled at her again and then ordered her back into the house, sans squirrel. Now what comes next is what upsets me and then makes me laugh myself almost off the highway. He YELLED at my precious pooch! Poor Daisy, she probably thought she was showing Dave what a great huntress she was and now she's being yelled at. Of course her feelings were hurt and she sat there with her head lowered and those sad doggie eyes staring at him. This was the mad part on my behalf. The part that makes me laugh is what Dave says next. I think it went something like this.

"I've never experienced emotions from a dog before. I actually saw her hurt feelings when I yelled at her." If you only knew Dave like I do, you would understand that this is a man that repeatedly makes fun of how much I care about my dog, so to hear him say he saw an "emotion" from my dog, nearly caused me to laugh my ass off. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Where did the Dave that makes fun of me and my pooch on a regular basis? After one day he's all of a sudden becoming a dog person and understanding emotions. Hmmmm... I can't wait to see what the rest of the week unveils......

Stay tuned.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

My Fabu New Do . . .

Ok - so this picture of ME isn't that great - but my new "do" is! It was about 100 degrees here today - OK, more like 88-89, but it sure felt like 100 since my A/C wasn't working! So, even though I don't like to wear tank tops in public - I was forced by Mother Nature. And, thanks to the 100% humidity, I sweated off all of my make-up!! Oh well, at least I have a Fabu-New-Do!!

Per HIS request

I have had a request to take down our picture (I'm secretly OK with this - since I was in such a hurry to get my blog posted, I didn't choose the most flattering picture) But, don't worry - one of my many, MANY hobbies is photography, (and scrapbooking and writing, and basket weaving and pottery, and dog agility training - shut up now Dave.) and I have over 3000 pictures and more to come so there will be plenty more posted.

I also just got a FABULOUS new "do" so once I get more pictures of me and my "do" - I'll re-post.

Thanks for all of your comments and stay tuned as I am currently working on PART DEUX!! So, tell all your friends/fans and readers of your blogs to come on over to and check me out!!

Gotta go - the A/C at my house is broken and the A/C man is on his way.
Ta Ta for now!!

(PS - The above "PIMP MY BLOG" moment is brought to you by my favorite author/blogger Jen Lancaster as she told all of her followers to get out there and Pimp their blogs!)

If you don't know who Jen is - check out:

Monday, June 2, 2008

I have this friend . . .

My friend Dave . . .

I met Dave about 10 years ago at a bar, of all places. (Imagine THAT for those who know me.) He was a DJ at the local radio station and on Thursdays or Fridays – who remembers, he also DJ’d at said bar. I was in college and went out every Thursday-Sunday night. (What? I graduated.) OK, 7 years later. But still. Shut up! I changed my major – A LOT.

Back then (and remember I drank 4 days out of 7) I thought he looked like Joey from Friends. I don't think so any more, but back then I did. Sue me. It was also more than 10 years ago and even Joey doesn't look like Joey any more. Plus, he (Dave, not Joey) needs to dye his hair. (Yes you do. I don’t care what your hairdresser says.)

Anyway, I thought he was way cute (you know I did and I just can’t wait to hear your comments David about this little bit of info) This had a lot to do with WHY I went to that bar every weekend. That, and the fact that the bouncer was a former boyfriend (friend with benefits, really, and he was HOT) so I figured my odds of hooking up, one way or another, were good. It seemed that Dave was always there with this girl, I'll call her Sue, who was another DJ from the station. I figured she was a girlfriend or worse, not YET his girlfriend and my competition.

Long story short (mainly because I can’t remember the details) I ended up getting to know him and eventually got a job at the station on the office side. Of course I did, that bitch, I mean Sue, (no I don’t) wasn’t going to see him every day when I only got one night a week at a bar. (I’m not competitive so much as I’m jealous. Did I mention that my mom put me in pre-school 2 years in a row so I could learn how to share? Complete waste of money. Sorry mom.)

Fast forward to my FIRST day at the station. All is going well and I make sure that Dave knows I'm there by stopping by the studio to tell him so. He, of course, made fun of me in front of his intern (you did) so I go back to my desk and I'm all "what a jerk." Later that afternoon, the power goes out. I remember this particular detail because this is when I find out that he would NEVER, EVER be my boyfriend.

We were all gathered in the front lobby of the station because that’s where the only outside light was and Dave was there too since he couldn’t do his show. It was a Monday and everyone was talking about their weekends and someone noticed that he had a ring on his left hand ring finger. Being one of the only single guys at the station, all of us girls noticed this. Especially me since I took a freaking job at a radio station in order to make him mine (“I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George.” -Daffy Duck/Abominable Snowman reference for those of you that don't watch cartoons.) Anyway, Dave proceeds to tell all of us that he got MARRIED over the weekend. This is not only HUGE news (umm hello? I took a job at a radio station!!) but I found out that first day, half of the station thought he was gay and the other half really didn’t care (this was the older, uglier and married half.)

I soon found out that Dave is notorious for lying and making up stories (just wait until you hear the DOOZIE we have going on right now- stay tuned), so the whole “I got married over the weekend was a complete lie. (At this point, there's still hope for boyfriend/girlfriend status BUT that means I can't quit this job just yet.) Over the next several weeks at the station, we became fast friends and I actually liked my job. C'mon, I was in college and I worked at a place where I got free CD's/concert tickets and occasionally met a famous singer. (OK Richard Marx was the only "famous" person and I TOTALLY thought he was my new intern that morning - maybe he'll make a comeback.)

A couple months into this gig, another DJ at the station, Lynn, was getting married and had invited me to the wedding and reception and you bet your ass I was there!! Too bad Sue had to work that night and couldn’t go to the reception. (Pre-school? I’m still there.) At the reception I sat (drank) with Amy, another DJ at the station and some other station people. Amy was super cool and gave me the scoop on everyone at the station. After the reception, we continued the party at another bar. There was dancing, drinking and still wondering whether or not Dave was single and hetero or homo sexual. Even Amy, who was married, was curious which was disappointing to me because I was hoping she’d have the inside scoop since she worked with him.
The "after reception" activities proved fruitless (no pun intended) to answering the burning question, ‘was he or wasn’t he?’

  • After the wedding – we (I think the bride came too, but I can't be sure) head to a gay bar. (He’s gay.)

  • Dave introduces us to his "brother Mark" – who we thought was his boyfriend. (Not gay.)

  • Dave invites me and Amy back to his house. (Not gay)

  • "Brother" Mark is also invited and so is some guy named Michael (WTF?)

  • Mark drives me and Amy to Dave’s house and keeps looking at me funny when I refer to him as Dave's brother. (Dave likes to make up stories remember?)

  • I try to study for a statistics test that I forgot I have in the morning but fall asleep in Dave’s spare room. THIS, right here, is my life. I spend the night at his house – which should have been a victory – but fall asleep! (That test in the moring, also explains why I spent 7 years in college and am not a Dr.)

So, on Monday, I’m was just as confused as I was before the wedding but, Sue was so completely jealous that she missed out on all of it that it secretly makes me happy. (It's ok, hate the player, - but, I won.)

Stay tuned for part deux (yes, I LOVE THE 80’S)

D-Day: Monday

OK - so Saturday and Sunday didn't go so well Diet-wise. Hey, it was a B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L weekend here in Akron (a rare thing) and I had to enjoy it with potato chips and my new boyfriend - Chip -otle. So, I went to bed last night (right after finishing the chocolate ice cream in my freezer - thanks Dave for texting me about ice cream) and once again told myself that tomorrow - Monday - "I will start my diet."

It's now 9:45 am on Monday and let's see, so far I think I've consumed enough calories for a third world country. (and I'm contemplating something chocolate right now - sad.) Tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. Why tomorrow and not just start over with lunch? Because today is a co-workers birthday and we're going to lunch - so of course, THAT's not going to be diet friendly. And um, hello?? It's her birthday - so cake or some sort of chocolate MUST be involved. Too bad we have to come back to work after lunch - because we could have birthday cake SHOTS instead!

On the bright side - I'm wearing a new pair of pants that I bought in my "usual size" this weekend and they're kind of BIG on me right now - BONUS!! These pants also came with another pair of pants (What? they were buy 1 get a 2nd for $10 - how could I NOT buy a 2nd pair?), I also got 2 or was it 3? shirts, the CUTEST damn skirt in the world (yes it was three shirts - had to get cute shirt to go with said skirt) and a pair of shoes. Shut up Dave - I'll start my budget next week - I NEEDED retail therapy this weekend.

Diet and Budget - two of the ugliest words in the dictionary.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Saturday night to Sunday afternoon . . .

Last night I went out with my friend to celebrate her 30 something birthday. We went to dinner at a fun restaurant/Martini bar/bowing alley. Yes, bowling. Bowling for the fabulous price of $80 for two hours - yes, I know - it's crazy. After our expensive bowling game we sit for awhile and listen to a band named "Skinny" (coincidence to this posting - possibly) play which was OK - except that they played mostly cover songs. For those of you from Akron/Cleveland - they used to be called Two Skinny Dorks - now they're just Skinny. Whatever. (Something I'll never be called: Skinny.)

While I sat there listening to the music I enjoyed my favorite past time, people-watching. I LOVE to people watch! It never fails to entertain me. I have all kinds of comments and thoughts on these people. Some are fabulous looking and I sooooo wish I could dress and look like them. Others I simply want to ask if they own a mirror or have any friends to tell them that "just because it fits, doesn't mean it looks good." These thoughts are, however, to make my own self feel better about my looks/body/clothes/hair or whatever it is that I'm obsessing about at the moment. Last night it was body image. I sat there and could actually feel myself giving any "skinnier than me" girl a dirty look. What is up with that?? I've been doing that a lot lately. I can't help it. I want to be skinny, but I don't want to stop eating and I definitely don't want to work out at the gym that I'm currently paying $40/month for the privilege of membership.

So, after all that feeling sorry for myself I swear to myself that "I will start working out tomorrow and eating better." That leads me to today, Sunday. The proverbial first day of the "new diet and exercise routine." So, here's how that plan went. I woke up at 6:30am, not because I was going to work out or at the very least, walk the dog. No, I got up that early because I had to pee. After that, I let the dog out to do her business and instead of lacing up my tennis shoes for a walk, I walked to the kitchen and made myself a couple of waffles that included butter and lots of syrup. (It was sugar free.) Then, for at least three or four hours, I worked off those waffles by going back to bed. (I watched Workout on Bravo that counts right?).

Around 11 a.m. I got out of bed and dressed to meet my friends for the 12:50 showing of Sex and the City. While watching the movie and absolutely drooling over all the FABULOUS clothes and oh so sexy shoes (I'm so jealous of you Carrie Bradshaw) I thought to myself again, "I want to be skinny and able to wear those kinds of clothes (well, on my salary, knock-offs, but still). So, after the movie I'm ready to be all "I'm going to get skinny, it's a nice day, I should go home and walk the dog and maybe even hit the gym for a bit."

I went to Chipolte and ordered a Steak Burrito Bowl. What? I ordered it without the beans.

Tomorrow. I'll start tomorrow.