Monday, November 29, 2010

Just in case you're counting

Because I am:
  • Bruce Springsteen - Santa Claus is coming to Town - heard at LEAST 5x today.
  • The Carpenters - Not sure of the title - but I've heard Karen Carpenter more than I wanted to today.
  • Frank Sinatra and Cyndi Lauper - thought it was a cute song like 10 years ago - today?  I LOATHE 'ol blue eyes and the girl who just wants to have fun.
  • Frosty the Snowman - you know, the one from the cartoon?  Where he wakes up and says "Happy Birthday?"  Yeah, it's just as annoying on the radio as it is in the cartoon...
  • Most Wonderful Time of the Year - REALLY???
  •  Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree - ala Macaulay Culkin?  - again, was cute song when HE was cute...
15 more minutes to go... I think I can make it.
I'm bringing my iPod to work tomorrow.... 

Which Ironically, has ALL of these song and THEN some - because yours truly used to LOVE, LOVE, LURVE Christmas music..  But then again - I actually played it in December - closer to the ACTUAL holiday and in small doses at a time...

And so it begins....

The countdown to Craziness  Christmas is upon us and it’s not even December first. When I was laid of from my job almost two years ago, I swore I’d never work for another retail company again. Well, like my mom always said; “it’s not lady-like to swear” and DAMN IT if I didn’t end up in another Retail Corporation to help them with their Seasonal Hiring. It’s not even December and yet they have blasted CHRISTMAS MUZAK all DAMN DAY!

Uggh… by 10am I had already heard Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer five times!! And the Grinch Song? Oh.My.God.I.Want.To.Kill.Myself!!

I’m actually looking forward to being laid off ONCE AGAIN if not only because I may go crazy listening to all this Merriment. Yes, I’m going to be laid off from yet ANOTHER RETAIL COMPANY in less than two years. How do they say it in text and on Facebook? FML? Yes, FUCK MY LIFE… Sorry mom…

Well, I sorta knew I was going to be laid off when I originally took this job. It was discussed with me in the interview that they needed my recruiting services for the season and then they’d see if an open position was available after that. Well, there isn’t. And, I’m sorta ok with that, but I’m not sure if my mortgage company will be as happy. I am still working at the bar – part-time – and now hope they will give me more hours as I’m going to need them.

Oh, and to add to my “holiday merriment” my car decided to “quit me” last week. Something called a head gasket blew – and that, I’m told, is a BAD THING. I did make it to work that day – but had to pay $100 to have it towed to a shop for them to tell me that it’s pretty much not worth fixing. Money well spent indeed. And of course, the only thing I thought of – besides not having a car to drive me to work – was “now I can’t go shopping on Black Friday.” Yes, I know, my priorities are – Shut up, I really wanted that $100 19” flat screen for my bedroom for you know, when I’m laid off in a week and don’t want to get out of bed, at least I’ll have a nice TV upon which to watch all those Lifetime Movies.

My mechanic-brother seems to think we can get my car up and running for a short period of time and close proximity to home so that I can shop for a new(er) car. I’m just glad it happened here and not on my way to Florida. Oh, didn’t I mention THAT? I was actually thinking about heading south for the winter – being jobless and all, I figured I’d try to find a gig down there sans snow and bitter cold weather. Hmmm.. jobless and no money – stay up north and deal with snow and battle depression with nothing but GRAY Skies? Or, head south put my feet in the ocean and soak up the sun and blue skies and serve drinks to all the snow birds who have MONEY to go south every year? Hmmmmm…tough choice, but, this whole car fiasco has thrown a monkey wrench in my southward plans. My sister lives in Naples, Fl so the living expenses would be minimal – but now it’s a matter of getting there. I really want to take my dogs with me too – but if I don’t find a car before I want to leave, I may just fly down there and try to buy one down there. She says there are better deals – older folks who come down for the winter then get rid of their well maintained cars because they no longer need them or can’t drive anymore. But, if I wait to buy a car down there, then I can’t take my dogs with me right away, which, might not be a bad thing – but I would miss them terribly and I need to find someone to take care of them – like they’re accustomed to being taken care of. Yes, they are the two most spoiled dogs and (mostly).

So… there it is for Shopgirl, this Cyber Monday. I’m going Christmas Crazy with all the holiday muzak and I’m in need of a new car and LIFE.

Dear Santa,
Are you listening?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Since I have more fans on Facebook than here.... I'll post here.

I can't believe my mouth some days - or in this case, my fingers, via texting.  When did I become so mean and cruel to someone I care so much about?  God, WTF is wrong with me and why do I act like that?  Why do I allow myself to get so upset and then blow like a nasty foul-mouthed volcano?  WHOOOSH!!! Hatred - pure hatred and I took the time to actually write (well, text) it all out and then PRESSED SEND!  I can't undo it and I think this time may have been the last time, because there have been many, many times before and I have been forgiven (not forgotten, but forgiven - made fun of, but eventually forgiven)  I don't know if that will happen this time - and I'm not only sad about it, but I'm confused and hurt and PISSED. At myself.  

How can a 10+year friendship come to this?  Why can't I just let my best friend live THIER life and I live MINE?  Why do I have to "know" everything.  You know that old saying: "curiosity killed the cat?" - well, last night I think that this Cunt old cat killed the one relationship that she thought would be in her life forever.  All because I can't control my emotions and temper.  I'm a mean girl.  When did this happen?  Or have I been this way my entire life but able to control it better when my life was somewhat "normal?" 

I've been using the excuse of losing my job as my reason for becoming bitter and therefore able to lash out at those that I love most.  Well sister, it's been almost TWO FUCKING years now, get the fuck over it already...  I wish I could - I just don't know how.  I'm losing it - literally and figuratively.  My finances are a mess - mainly because I don't want to deal with them - I think I have the money there - but then again it's easier for me to play the victim role.  WHO THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME??

I practically have no friends - no close friends anyway - I really never did before - I always just had a small "close" circle of friends but over the years, those few, yet valuable, friendships have whittled down to TWO EXTREMELY close relationships - mainly because of life changes, kids, schedules, etc.
I love these two friends so much and they mean so.much. to me, and last night I really didn't play fair and said some pretty awful things to one of them.  I cannot even THINK about my life without you in it - I think you may know me better than I know myself  - maybe that's why you've forgiven so many times.

I've not only alienated my friends but I feel like I've lost my desire for almost everything in my life.  I've lost my desire to blog, obviously since my last blog was back in May and now I'm here - confessing my soul because I know no one comes here anymore.   I used to love to blog and couldn't wait to write down the funny things that happened in my life as shopgirl.  I used to like to take pictures/photographs and walk my dogs and a lot of other things.  Now?  I love nothing. 

At least I got it out - this blog - because today, all I've wanted to do was make a call - but I know it won't be answered and right now, I don't think I can take that. 

Dear friend: If you still come here - I won't say the "s" word -but I regret how things went down.  I don't know why I went there last night - I don't know why I need to know your business.  I could blame a whole host of things from my parents to my upbringing to my past and now my present.  But it doesn't do any good and it can't take away what happened.  I'm NOT sorry about some of the things I said - but I "regret" the tone and the place/way they were said. 

I'm sad and mad that you're moving (on? perhaps) without me.  They say misery loves company, I guess I just don't want to be alone.  But that is not YOUR problem - I know this.

I need to move on and find a new obsession hobby. 

I won't say "I'm 'S' - all I can say is that I'll try.