hmmmm.................. what. is. on. my. mind?
yup... that's pretty much it.......... a whole lotta B L A N K
But yet there is, as Dave Matthews so eloquently put it back in 1996, So Much To Say. (Seriously, it was 1996 Yes. it. was - I just googled it and it's now playing on my computer) Where has 13 years gone? Anyhoodle - as Mr. Matthews put it:
A year of crying and the words creep up inside
Creep into mind yeah
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
Here we have been standing for a long long time
Treading trodden trails for a long long time
I find sometimes its easy to be myself
Sometimes I find better to be somebody else
There is so much to say and so much to talk about yet I can't seem to get it all out. It hasn't been a year, but it sure feels like that long - being unemployed has certainly taken me for a wild - yet uneventful - ride. I'm so lost right now without my job and I'm at odds with myself for that very statement, because I really didn't like my job - at least not for the last year. Sure, there were parts (the people mostly) that I liked. The traveling - that was great - California a couple times a year (and Southern Cal at that) and then the East Coast - but I struggled to even stay at that job for the past year. I looked for a new job even more so than I am right now, but I was just to chicken to up and leave. And now, here I am, wish granted; summer off and not working at a job that I don’t like, and I’m lost.
The thing about my unemployment is this: now that I have all this "free time" on my hands? It's getting me no where - literally. I mean, I do NOTHING all DAMN day. Sure, I walk my dogs (that's the ONLY CONSTANT in my life right now) Everyday we walk. I mix it up sometimes, 3-4 miles one day and then maybe just a 1/2 - 1 mile around the 'hood. And that equates to the sum total of my day. I have no money right now (to spend on anything but the BARE NECESSATIES) so I don't shop. Even when I had my severance I didn't shop (ok - a whole lot) because I was trying to pay a bunch of stuff off - hoping that I'd be back to work before it ran out. Nope. That didn't happen.
Now I wish I would have spent some more of my severance on ME. I wish I would have gone on that vacation to Ireland I was thinking about or at the very LEAST - gone to FL and stayed with my sis for a couple of weeks. Who wants to go to Florida now, in the summer? It's like 150 degrees there now. I'd fucking explode from the heat! Uggh.. And the bugs? No thanks. I should've said "fuck looking for a job that doesn't exist in OH" and went to Florida in February when it was 70-80 degrees there and 2 fucking degrees here.
I'm pissed. At myself. For not doing that. Now, here it is - 6 months since the "massive layoff" and I'm still in my house. Doing nothing.
I used to think I wanted to have summers off and that I’d do all this “stuff” with my free time. You know what? I’m soooo not that girl. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a schedule. And even when I do have a schedule, I rarely follow it. Something will be on TV. or someone will call or I’ll take a 4 hour nap (I’m not lying about this one.) and then all of a sudden Monday turns into Thursday and January is all of a sudden June.
Ok - I do have to interject here - I have done stuff. I've worked on my house - planted flowers, re-arranged the furniture in every room and in general just done "house stuff." I also volunteered at my church during Bible School. This solidified my choice of never - EVER - wanting to have children, much less more than one. (I do like kids - I just don't want any.) Some people don't want a dog... I don't want kids. But it was fun none-the-less. And, I learned A LOT about the women AND men in my church. Vibrators, honeymoon tapes and drunkeness oh my!
It’s something that I’ve done for over 20 years and I’ve realized that it wasn’t the JOB that I went to everyday. I couldn’t have given a S#!T about my “career," it was the people and the gossip or whatever was going on that got me up everyday and into the office. I also just happened to be really good at whatever job I did so I usually stayed at said job until something better (read: more fun and more money) came along.
Now, I have two dogs that I spend every. waking. (and sleeping.) minute with. Do you know what kind of “scoop” you get with two dogs? None? NOPE. You get the POOPER Scoop kind. Seriously, I get the “shit” all day long from these two. Yeah, I know it’s not funny. It's not SUPPOSED to be funny. It’s pathetic.
I also had this grandiose idea that I’d become this FANTASTIC writer and somehow be DISCOVERED while I was out of work. You know what? You ACTUALLY HAVE TO WRITE in order to be discovered. And I have nothing (or at least the will) to write about! I used to write about all the crazy resumes I reviewed that day. Or all the crazy people that I’ve interviewed. Now the only interaction I have is with two dogs and while I love them very much (shut up Dave, I do love her!) there really isn’t much to write about.
Well, except this: Last night I discovered what looked like a ZIT on my little Miss Sassafras -my new-ish puppy. So, being the zit-picker/poker that I am, I POPPED Sassy’s Zit. Yes, my evenings now consist of watching (and re-watching) the Real Housewives of New Jersey and popping my dogs zits. I. so. Need. To. Get. Back. To. Work. Because, really? I’m not thinking Random House Publishing or any other publishing house is going to come knocking to hear about the complexion dilemma of little Miss Sassafras.
They’re also, and I’m just guessing here, not interested in the following that occurred in my life today:
10am: 1st call of the day from Dave to tell me he voted and to remind me to vote.
10:15am: Finally got my butt out of bed – what? Where do I need to be today?
10:17am: Let dogs out, made toast from left over Fathers day bread from Panera – YUM.
10:30am: Walk dogs
10:45am – Had fight/discussion with dogs that dead squirrel in road is not “snack” and I still can, and will feed them when we get home.
11:30am – back home, dogs fed and I’m off to vote against Mayoral Recall.
11:45am – in my car wondering why I wasted my time and how much of my tax money went into this vote to recall a Mayor that we (as a city) just voted IN. Seriously, this money? I’m thinking could go to jobs in this city to hmm, I don’t know, employ someone like me!!
11:50am – I’m hungry. Lunch at Subway. Can’t decide between sensible Turkey Sub or yummy higher calorie Spicy Italian Sub and decide to play nice and let person behind me go ahead of me.
11:55am – No good deed goes unpunished. Person behind me (now in front of me) orders lunch for her entire workforce – ummmm? Shouldn’t you have called that in?
12:30 (stomach has actually flipped inside out b/c I’m so hungry): order/pay for my Sammy and finally feeding my pie hole.
12:34pm – 2nd call of the day from Dave. Yes. I. Voted.
12:35pm – Yes. I’m. Eating. No, the thought NEVER occurred to me to come to your office and go get YOU lunch.
1pm: Need grocery items – (and whatever else is on sale.)
1:20pm: realize I forgot my checkbook have to get money out of ATM and mad about stupid ATM fees from both bank and said ATM machine.
1:21pm: Think about getting my own ATM machine business.
1:22pm: Think this is too hard.
1:23pm: Pay for groceries – head home.
1:30pm – get home and realize I took too much money out of ATM – now have ATM fees AND possible overdraft charge. Grrrrrr.
1:35pm – SPEED to bank to put money back into account – cross fingers and pray cash credits account first.
2pm-5:50 – surf the internet. Send several text messages to friends begging to meet for drinks once they're done working.
5:51pm – Yippie! someone responded. Hopefully I'll have good "scoop" for blog fodder tomorrow…
Oh - and Random House? Or any other Publishing house out there? I'm a MUCH better writer - feel free to send me an ADVANCE and I'll show you!