That's right - you heard read correctly. The Shopgirl RAN. Not for her life. Not for a Twinkie, not even for a sale rack. She just ran. But, unlike Forrest Gump, I didn't just run and run and run. I only ran for about 20 minutes today. But still, I RAN people!!
For those of you that know me. You KNOW I don't RUN. For. Anything. Ever. Even when I played Softball back in school (I played for 10 years) I didn't run - I was the catcher - pretty much so I could basically SIT behind the plate. (I COULD and DID throw the ball to 2nd base with little effort and my favorite thing in the whole wide world back then? Stopping ANY BITCH that tried to get past home plate.) But running bases? Nah... I made sure I hit that ball far far away - so I didn't have to hustle to first or second base. I just never got into running. My friends ran track and cross country back then -but I always had (and still do even after the reduction) big ta-ta's, so running? Pretty much out of the question.
I've always envied runners. Most of them make it look like it's so much fun and effortless. I mean - look - I just typed the word "runner" in my search bar and this is the image that came up:
Look how peace-ful or tranquil she looks. Runners also get to wear the cute running pants and tops - and a fun and bright colored sports tank or even bra because her body/torso are so fit and firm. I mean NIKE, ADDIDAS, SAUCONY and NEW BALANCE were all INVENTED for runner’s right? (C’mon – what did you expect from me, SHOPGIRL – you KNEW it was going to be about the outfit right??) Ok, back to runners - you see them everywhere, on vacation - uggh running on the beach. And you bet your ASS they're thighs aren't rubbing together so badly that they're not only getting chaffed but possibly a small fire breaking out between their thunder thighs. No, THEY'RE thighs probably don't even TOUCH - much less MOLEST each other the way mine do when running (or walking or standing still, or well, you get the picture.)
On my lunch break at the old job, I'd pass all the runners and think to myself – ‘I should give running a try - it might clear my head and reduce some of the stress I'm feeling here.’ I thought about that every day, pulling out of the office and on my way to Chipotle or Panera for my 1000+ calorie lunch. An hour later, I'd roll myself back to my desk in a Mexican/carb induced coma and think "tomorrow - tomorrow I'll work out.” Of course that never happened and I have the extra 30 pounds to prove it.
But you see, (here come the excuses) the problem - besides trying to move 100+++++ pounds at a quick-ish speed - is that I don't look like the tranquil runner losing herself in her own thoughts, clearing her head of the days events, brainstorming for a better way to solve the current crisis back at her desk. No, instead I look like an escaped mental patient not running, but thudding along, while flailing my arms in what would appear to be some psychotic episode, gasping and wheezing for my next breath. Instead of cute jogging pants I'd have plain running pants (no cute patterned ones for me - since they don't come in my size) and an oversized t-shirt to conceal my flabby (instead of toned) torso. The only thing brightly colored on ME would be my FACE. It would be twenty seven shades of red and I'm sure people who passed ME on the side of the road, would consider dialing 911 before they ever thought that what I was doing was meant to be an exercise of mental release.
And now that brings me to here, today. At XXX pounds (so. Not. Telling. So don’t even ask) I, Shopgirl aka Thunder Thighs, just ran. And I didn’t die! I didn’t look cute either, but I didn’t die and I didn’t quit. Let me tell you this, there is NOTHING tranquil about running. Nothing. I’ll say it again – just incase you didn’t fully comprehend that. There is NOTHING tranquil about running. Well, at least DURING the running part. I did feel great and even a couple hours later – still do! Like I’ve said before – I’ve always envied runners and have always wanted to run in a marathon (ok a short one) but still, I wanted to do it. And I don’t want to walk it. I want to run (most of) it. So, one night I was on CrackFacebook and saw that a friend of mine from high school posted that she just completed her first run. Being the noseyinquisitive mind that I am, I commented on her status and found out that she is trying The Couch to 5K Running Plan. (I’m not advocating this plan – nor am I getting paid for doing it, so if you’re interested in it – look it up.) After reviewing it - which it isn’t anything really all that new, I’ve seen similar plans in Health magazines before; I decided to give it a try. That was last week (or maybe two weeks ago). What? I procrastinate – deal.
So, I finally got myself up this am and decided to go for my first run. My friend is a week ahead of me (yes, I know we could have run together and motivated each other and yada yada yada – shut up.) and she told me that on her 3rd day of the plan she didn’t feel so winded and was actually looking forward to her second week. (We’ll see how that goes for me) She gave me a few tips and last night I charged my iPod and figured out how to use the Stopwatch function. Who knew that my iPod had a stopwatch? I didn’t, that’s fo sure! And this morning I got myself dressed in my boring black Capri length running pants and XXL Blue T-shirt (it WAS a Tommy Hilfiger – had to throw in SOME cuteness) and headed to the park to try out this running thing. What? You thought I’d just run in my neighborhood on the sidewalk? Pfft! My neighbors already think I’m a dork – I don’t need them seeing me trying to RUN.
So stay tuned to find out if I go for my second run on Sunday. According to the “Plan” (which is 9 weeks long) I’m supposed to give myself a rest day in between runs. And since I’m ALL ABOUT following rules, I’m going to rest as I’m told. Now, if I only had a job, I could use my “rest day” to go out and buy cute running shoes (Nike and iPod have this combo stopwatch/trainer thingy that I MUST have.) and a cute little outfit/cap-visor/new sunglasses (you know, for the sun glare on the running path) and a new water bottle for all the H2O I’m going to be drinking. Stimulate the economy indeed. Would somebody hurry up and hire me already? I’ve got 6 months of shopping to catch up on.
See you in two days!
The thing about my unemployment is this: now that I have all this "free time" on my hands? It's getting me no where - literally. I mean, I do NOTHING all DAMN day. Sure, I walk my dogs (that's the ONLY CONSTANT in my life right now) Everyday we walk. I mix it up sometimes, 3-4 miles one day and then maybe just a 1/2 - 1 mile around the 'hood. And that equates to the sum total of my day. I have no money right now (to spend on anything but the BARE NECESSATIES) so I don't shop. Even when I had my severance I didn't shop (ok - a whole lot) because I was trying to pay a bunch of stuff off - hoping that I'd be back to work before it ran out. Nope. That didn't happen.
Now I wish I would have spent some more of my severance on ME. I wish I would have gone on that vacation to Ireland I was thinking about or at the very LEAST - gone to FL and stayed with my sis for a couple of weeks. Who wants to go to Florida now, in the summer? It's like 150 degrees there now. I'd fucking explode from the heat! Uggh.. And the bugs? No thanks. I should've said "fuck looking for a job that doesn't exist in OH" and went to Florida in February when it was 70-80 degrees there and 2 fucking degrees here.
I'm pissed. At myself. For not doing that. Now, here it is - 6 months since the "massive layoff" and I'm still in my house. Doing nothing.
I used to think I wanted to have summers off and that I’d do all this “stuff” with my free time. You know what? I’m soooo not that girl. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a schedule. And even when I do have a schedule, I rarely follow it. Something will be on TV. or someone will call or I’ll take a 4 hour nap (I’m not lying about this one.) and then all of a sudden Monday turns into Thursday and January is all of a sudden June.
Ok - I do have to interject here - I have done stuff. I've worked on my house - planted flowers, re-arranged the furniture in every room and in general just done "house stuff." I also volunteered at my church during Bible School. This solidified my choice of never - EVER - wanting to have children, much less more than one. (I do like kids - I just don't want any.) Some people don't want a dog... I don't want kids. But it was fun none-the-less. And, I learned A LOT about the women AND men in my church. Vibrators, honeymoon tapes and drunkeness oh my!
It’s something that I’ve done for over 20 years and I’ve realized that it wasn’t the JOB that I went to everyday. I couldn’t have given a S#!T about my “career," it was the people and the gossip or whatever was going on that got me up everyday and into the office. I also just happened to be really good at whatever job I did so I usually stayed at said job until something better (read: more fun and more money) came along.
Now, I have two dogs that I spend every. waking. (and sleeping.) minute with. Do you know what kind of “scoop” you get with two dogs? None? NOPE. You get the POOPER Scoop kind. Seriously, I get the “shit” all day long from these two. Yeah, I know it’s not funny. It's not SUPPOSED to be funny. It’s pathetic.
I also had this grandiose idea that I’d become this FANTASTIC writer and somehow be DISCOVERED while I was out of work. You know what? You ACTUALLY HAVE TO WRITE in order to be discovered. And I have nothing (or at least the will) to write about! I used to write about all the crazy resumes I reviewed that day. Or all the crazy people that I’ve interviewed. Now the only interaction I have is with two dogs and while I love them very much (shut up Dave, I do love her!) there really isn’t much to write about.
Well, except this: Last night I discovered what looked like a ZIT on my little Miss Sassafras -my new-ish puppy. So, being the zit-picker/poker that I am, I POPPED Sassy’s Zit. Yes, my evenings now consist of watching (and re-watching) the Real Housewives of New Jersey and popping my dogs zits. I. so. Need. To. Get. Back. To. Work. Because, really? I’m not thinking Random House Publishing or any other publishing house is going to come knocking to hear about the complexion dilemma of little Miss Sassafras.
They’re also, and I’m just guessing here, not interested in the following that occurred in my life today:
10am: 1st call of the day from Dave to tell me he voted and to remind me to vote.
10:15am: Finally got my butt out of bed – what? Where do I need to be today?
10:17am: Let dogs out, made toast from left over Fathers day bread from Panera – YUM.
10:30am: Walk dogs
10:45am – Had fight/discussion with dogs that dead squirrel in road is not “snack” and I still can, and will feed them when we get home.
11:30am – back home, dogs fed and I’m off to vote against Mayoral Recall.
11:45am – in my car wondering why I wasted my time and how much of my tax money went into this vote to recall a Mayor that we (as a city) just voted IN. Seriously, this money? I’m thinking could go to jobs in this city to hmm, I don’t know, employ someone like me!!
11:50am – I’m hungry. Lunch at Subway. Can’t decide between sensible Turkey Sub or yummy higher calorie Spicy Italian Sub and decide to play nice and let person behind me go ahead of me.
11:55am – No good deed goes unpunished. Person behind me (now in front of me) orders lunch for her entire workforce – ummmm? Shouldn’t you have called that in?
12:30 (stomach has actually flipped inside out b/c I’m so hungry): order/pay for my Sammy and finally feeding my pie hole.
12:34pm – 2nd call of the day from Dave. Yes. I. Voted.
12:35pm – Yes. I’m. Eating. No, the thought NEVER occurred to me to come to your office and go get YOU lunch.
1pm: Need grocery items – (and whatever else is on sale.)
1:20pm: realize I forgot my checkbook have to get money out of ATM and mad about stupid ATM fees from both bank and said ATM machine.
1:21pm: Think about getting my own ATM machine business.
1:22pm: Think this is too hard.
1:23pm: Pay for groceries – head home.
1:30pm – get home and realize I took too much money out of ATM – now have ATM fees AND possible overdraft charge. Grrrrrr.
1:35pm – SPEED to bank to put money back into account – cross fingers and pray cash credits account first.
2pm-5:50 – surf the internet. Send several text messages to friends begging to meet for drinks once they're done working.
5:51pm – Yippie! someone responded. Hopefully I'll have good "scoop" for blog fodder tomorrow…
stay tuned!
Oh - and Random House? Or any other Publishing house out there? I'm a MUCH better writer - feel free to send me an ADVANCE and I'll show you!
and the best of all:
Seriously, what's NOT to love about this movie? There's Molly Ringwald - who made all of us girls me in the late 80's bring out our inner designer and I'm pretty sure inspired the Madonna look - or maybe it was the other way around? I don't know which came first - but I was inspired by her that's for sure. I even made some of my own clothes in HS (even though I wasn't from "the wrong side of the tracks"), and unfortunately they didn't turn out as cool as hers.
Oh, how about the DUCKMAN? DUCKY - I mean, how cute and adoreable is he? And his undying love and somewhat stalker-ish obsession with our herion Andie? While today, it would probably earn him a restraining order, back then it was what every girl wanted - right? And, don't you just want to cry when he tells Andie to go after Blane? Seriously, this is the MAN. The Duckman. (bonus points if you remember his ACTUAL name in the movie.)
Ugghh, but for all of our love and adoration for Ducky - there's my repulsiveness and distain for Steff, Blane's friend portrayed by James Spader. Yecccchhhh.. I swear, it was this movie that has turned me off to him forever. Even though he's won accolades and awars for his role on "The Practice" I admit, I've never watched it because of my hate for Steff. Wrong? Maybe. But true.
As I sit here today, not looking for a job on the internet taking a break from CareerBuilder surfing, I can't help but smile as those two crazy kids, Blane and Andie, finally get together at the end of Prom. I still, to this day, want to be Andie and be at the Prom (in my very own designed/and made from my friends 20 year old dress and my dad's cheap prom dress) making out with Blane.
I so wanted to be Andie -not only because of her cool (hand-made) clothes, and the "I don't give a shit about the popular kids" attitude, but also - because she got to make out with the dreamy BLANE (Andrew McCarthey) in this movie. Ok, so BLANE is about the queerist (real word?) name in the whole wide world - but I would just call him B. or maybe he had a normal middle name? Whatever. I loved Blane - didn't you? I still heart him to this day. How excited was I to see him on Lipstick Jungle (sadly, now off the air.) looking as DREAMY and ironically, still a "richie?" Still. mad. that. it. was. cancelled.
Blane, er Andrew McCarthy, reminds me of this boy, Scott (*not his real name) that I was in love, love, love with in High School. (Co-incidence?) Unfortuanately, I didn't end up at Prom with Scott. Or anywhere else for that matter. Actually, I was the Duckman in THAT relationship. But I blame place responsibility of my crush on Scott to Andrew McCarthy. Oh, how I had the teen angst (and - ironically again, ongoing in my life - I mean, for reals, the guy keeps showing up in my life out of the blue all the time!!) for Scott.
I grew up with Scott - our last names were similar, so in the small school that I went to, Scott and I were always seated next to each other, in the same home rooms, if it was in alphabetical order - there we were - right next to each other. But, sadly, we just became friends. That's it. I mean, he HAD to know that I wanted it to be MORE than just friends? Right? See? I am the DUCKMAN in this scenario.
When he went off to college - which happened to be where my best friend had gone the year before and my cousin and aunt lived - I would go down to visit him them. This went on for, well... too long. And, ironically? Lead to five (5) more Scott's in my life. Hmmmm...
Honestly, I really did go onto meet and date 5 Scott's! So, the 2nd guy named Scott - was just a coincidence, but 5? That's just weird. Right?
Oh the drama, the ANGST. Well, gotta run... there re-playing Pretty in Pink again!!!
But wait! There's more! This morning, after our FREE breakfast, we headed to the MOTHER SHIP (Ikea - for those of you that don't read my blog) where I had to return several things that I had previously purchased but have decided that I just changed my mind about didn't want/need them - so I got a GIFT CARD/STORE CREDIT to spend in IKEA (I consider this FREE money - since said purchases were made when I WAS working and had a disposable income). So, I got to do a little shopping at IKEA - and it didn't affect my checkbook AT ALL - so that's a win in my book.
Then, on the way home - we stopped off at
Oh, and there was this WAY cute boy (too young for me and maybe just a bit to metro sexual for even shopgirl's taste) that was there and waited in the TWO HOUR LONG LINE to get books signed for his SISTER who lives in California. HOW CUTE/QUEER is that????
I heart him for being so sweet to his sissy....
