Seriously . . . I think I need help . . .

I mean - every time I turn on the tv there they are - the Playboy Bunnies. I keep dreaming about becoming a bunny (so NEVER, EVER, EVER going to happen - unless I happen to catch some horrible disease that makes me drop like 100 lbs.)

The other day - I turned on E! to watch the new episode of my newest addiction - "Sunset Tan" and the menu said it was supposed to be on - but The True Hollywood story of Hugh Heffner was on and of course I couldn't NOT watch it.

Well - I'm off to a bon fire for nephew - he's off to college next week - my little nephews' all growd up!!

Hump Day . . .

Well, here I am - Wednesday morning (Hump Day) and sadly, no great dream last night. What's even more maddening - is that I was able to sleep through the whole night (well, that's a good thing actually) but I didn't have to wake up in the middle of any dream to go to the bathroom and the night this happens? NO DREAM!! Ugghhh.. I even watched all sorts of stupid reality TV to get my brain working on something good.

But, nothing. And - the last thing I watched before drifting off was my new boyfriend - Benjamin Bratt - and still, NOTHING!!

But - that's not even the HALF of it!! While I was on my way to work this morning - I check my voice mail and learned that my dearest Dave got lucky last night!!! He's in ALABAMA for work for one week out of the year and hooks up. I travel EVERY OTHER WEEK - all year round - and haven't even had more than a mere DRINK with someone!! What is up with that!!

Well, since it's HUMP DAY - I feel it is my duty to go out tonight and . . . what? Nothing - I'll have a few (8) $5 martinis and go home and HOPE I have a naughty dream. My life is soooooooooooo PG right now . . .

Off to bed . . . .

Hmmmm... so tonight I had Taco Bell - Mexican (sorta) again. And AGAIN I watched "The Girls Next Door" - shut up! I can't help it - I think secretly I want to be a bunny - too bad I weigh as much as all three of them together (well, not really - but that's how I feel - especially after the Taco Bell!) So, I"m getting ready to 'hit the hay' but what am I watching now? The Cleaner on A&E - oooohhhh Benji Bratt - oooo laaaa laaaa - me like you dirty!!!!

Seriously - I thought you were HOT on L & O - but OH MY GAWD - are you FREAKING hot as a cleaned up druggie!!


Hmmmm... Playboy bunnies - former drug addicts, now cleaners no wonder my dreams are a little eefffd up!!

Nighty night y'all!!!

Bunny Dreams . . .

My dreams are getting weird these days and I used to think it was based on what I ate before I went to bed. Yes, I eat right before I go to bed – hmmm… ya think that has ANYTHING to do with my weight loss issues?? Nah me neither. Anyway, I’m not convinced it’s the food I eat – because last night I ate some home made salsa and chips before going beddie bye and I didn’t dream of Mexico or anything remotely Mexican. No, I dreamt that I met “The Girls Next Door” along with Hugh Heffner!!

I was watching the show before I went to bed – shut up! I love this show! I know, I know – he’s an old fart living with 3 twenty-something’s – so what! Good for him I say!! I’m just jealous that it’s not ME living in that mansion! And, c’mon you can’t help but laugh at how silly these girls really are. Add to that, my own body issues. It’s a 30 minute escape for me to wish that I could be airbrushed to look that perfect.

So, back to my dream, well first off I have to have a conversation with my Id because in my dream I was not “airbrushed or perfect” I was just plain old, fat me!!! I mean hello Id, if we’re dreaming here – can’t you dream me a size 0 with a nice ass and perfect tits (I mean mine are good and all – but they’re OLD and starting to show their age!!) Sheez!

Anyway – I was in VEGAS with friends or work people – that part was hazy, but I definitely met “The Girls” and Heff and they invited us to come to the Playboy Club at the Palms and party with them. Then, I had to go pee, which is par for the course with me because I have to pee about a million times a day – so why not in a dream? But, I REALLY had to pee…. and woke up to go do so. End of dream.
Hmmm… It’s Tuesday night – what’s on tonight? Pamela Anderson’s show? Oooo la la … Will I dream of Tommy’s HUGE…

Can’t wait for bed!! ; )

Zoo B Do

This past Sunday, my new BFF Jerry, and I went to the Zoo here in Akron, OH. I have lived here all of my life and sadly, I've never EVER been to the Zoo - or if I have, I don't remember it. I guess in the past, the Akron Zoo wasn't all that great, but I have to say, for a small town like Akron, OH - our Zoo was really nice!! Small - yes - but nice - Absolutely!! I did feel bad for some of the animals because their "areas" were somewhat small - and seriously these animals should have more room - but all of the areas were done well - had grass, etc. No concrete or just plain cages - thank goodness.

Jerry was an absolute RIOT at the zoo. I wanted to go mainly to take pictures with my DSLR camera that I've had since January and have used only a handful of times. So, Jerry was the tour guide and I was the tourist with her big and bulky camera trying to catch everything and anything on film. As the proper tour guide - Jerry read all of the placards describing each and every animal and exhibit. He even jumped in and helped people find the animals that were hiding!

One of the funniest things - and I swear - I ALMOST DROPPED my $600 camera - was when we walked past the parrots - this freaking bird let out a "call" or whatever birds like this do and I'm telling you that Jerry (and me too) jumped right out of his skin!! Typing this right now, I'm cracking up re-living it! This bird was PISSED and he let us know it!!

Right now at the zoo - there is a JELLY FISH exhibit and it is waaaaay cool! Check out some of my pictures - I'm still a novice with my camera - but these displays were just toooo cool.

We even got to be "hands on" and Jerry got to handle a LIVE Starfish and this made his day!

The end of the day came with a bang - LITERALLY. As we were walking out - I thought we'd seen it all, but there were FLAMINGOS gathered together to wish us off - and - some getting off as well. Seriously, as I stood there taking pictures of all the pretty pink flamingos - there they were - two DIRTY BIRDS doing the nasty for all of us to see.

I knew there was a reason I loved Flamingos.

OMG! Sometimes I can be such a guy . . .

So, tonight as I sit on the couch and watch Project Runway - The Drag Show Challenge (how fun was this episode?) my dog Daisy is curled up beside me and we're just chillin'. Dave calls and is in his Ambien induced state and we chat about his upcoming birthday,what he wants me to buy him, I should throw him a surprise party (um, hello? how can it be a surprise if you're telling me to throw you one?) and blah, blah, blah when all of a sudden - I just let a big old fart rrrrripppp!!!

OMG!!! Seriously - this was no teeny tiny little girly fart. This was a HUGE, Aflac duck coming out of my ass fart!!! My dog - my dog even looked at me with this face that just said "what the fuck was that???" Then, she jumped off the couch like she couldn't even sit next to me anymore because I was so foul.

Dave even heard it - over the phone!!

And you know what? I really don't care - I needed to fart so I just farted. I live alone (and I think we can see why) and I just it rip. Dave has seen and heard worse from me - I mean, I've peed in front of this man - so farting? What-ev.

God - I can be such a guy sometimes!!

I'M BORED . . .

These are queer - I know - but I had to write SOMETHING . . .

Eye Color: BLUEISH GREEN
Hair Color: BLONDISH – LOTS O HI-LITES!
Dyed or Natural: HIGH LIGHTED
Curly or Straight: WAVY – WHEN NOT FLAT IRONED
Right- or Left-handed: LEFT Tan or Pale: PALE-ISH RED
Jeans or Khakis: KHAKIS – UNTIL MY LARGE ASS CAN FIT BACK INTO MY KILLER JEANS

Country, Rap, or Rock: ROCK
Car: 2006 BEATLE BUG CONVERTIBLE – STELLA!
Place in order of preference--T.V., book, movie, music: TV, BOOK, LIVE MUSIC, MOVIE

Your heritage: IRISH
Shoes you're wearing today: SANDALS – UNTIL IT STARTS TO SNOW!!
Your weakness(es): MEN, SHOPPING, DRINKS
Your perfect pizza: GREEK
Favorite color: FUSCHIA
Favorite place: WITH FRIENDS AND DRINKS IN HAND
Goal you'd like to achieve: PLEASE – IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW I’M NOT GOAL ORIENTED!
Your most overused phrase(s): VERY GOOD
Your thoughts first waking up: AW FUCK!
Your best physical feature(s): ALL OF ME – HA HA!!
Your bedtime: MIDNIGHT-ISH
Your most missed memory: MANY
Pepsi or Coke: PEPSIMcDonald's or Burger King: MICKEY D’S
Single or group dates: SINGLE.
Adidas or Nike: NIKE
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: FRESH BREWED.
Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE

DO YOU:
Smoke: SOMETIMES
Cuss: LIKE A FUCKING SAILOR!
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: NOPE
Take a shower: REGULARLY
Have a crush(es): SURE DO
Think you've been in love: NOT THINK, KNOW.
Want to get married: MAYBEBelieve in yourself: SOMETIMES
Believe in God: YUP – BUT HAVE QUESTIONS
Believe in your government: SOMETIMES
Get motion sickness: SOMETIMES

DO YOU:
Think you're attractive: I ROCK IT OUT BABY! YEAH RIGHT . . .
Think you're a health freak: UM… NO – UNLESS 3 MUSKATEERS, MARTINIS, BEER, PRINGLES AND PIZZA ARE ALL OF A SUDDEN HEALTH FOODS.
Get along with your parents: YUP
Like thunderstorms: HMMMM… DURING THE LAST ONE – I WENT TO MY PARENTS HOUSE – WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IN THE PAST MONTH, HAVE YOU:
Drunk alcohol: THAT QUESTION SHOULD READ – IN THE LAST 24 HOURS . . .
Gone on a date: NOPE
Gone to the mall: YUP
Been on stage: NOPE
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: LOVE OREOS – BUT NEVER EATEN A BOX
Eaten sushi: YUP – THANKS DAVE
Been dumped: NOPE – THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF NO DATES!
Gone skating: NOPE
Gone skinny dipping: NOPE
Stolen anything: A GLANCE. HA HA

HAVE YOU EVER:
Played a game that required removal of clothing: YUP
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: HMMM… NEVER! HA HA! AND I DIDN'T TALK TO CHRISSY HINES EITHER!
Been caught "doing something": YUP
Been called a tease: YUP
Gotten beaten up: HIT? YES (BASTARD) – BEATEN UP? NO
Age you hope to be married: ??
Number of children you'd like: HAVE MY FUR-BABY ALREADY AND WOULD LIKE ANOTHER.
Describe your dream wedding: ME – SKINNY – IN A FAB DRESS – MARRYING JOSH LUCAS (SWEET HOME ALABAMA) - IT'S NOT THAT FAR FETCHED!
What do you want to be when you grow up: I’M NOT GROWING UP – EVER.

WHAT YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
Best eye color?: BLUE OR BROWN
Best hair color?: BROWNISH
Short or long hair: EITHER – AS LONG AS IT HAS STYLE.
Height: TALLER THAN ME. (WHICH SHOULDN’T BE THAT HARD – SINCE I’M 5’ 2”
Best first date location: ?
Best first kiss location: DOESN’T MATTER – AS LONG AS IT’S GOOD

IN THE NUMBERS:
Number of people I could trust with my life: 1 AND MY PARENTS
Number of CD's: 0 – ALL ON iPOD
Number of piercings: ONE IN EACH EAR
Number of tattoos: ONE
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: ??
Number of scars on my body: 6

Scary Mary . . . oh you poor girl . . .

Do you remember the scene from “The Breakfast Club” where Molly Ringwald’s and Alley Sheedy’s characters are re-doing Alley’s makeup? Ok – so I ‘m showing my age here since I believe this movie is like almost 20 years old now and, have you seen the JC Penney advertisement that mimics the whole running through the hall scene? Anyway – back to my story.

Do you remember when Molly says to Alley – “you look so much better without all the black shit on your eyes” to which Alley retorts “I like that black shit”? Well, I think I met Alley’s mom, Mary, today. Just back from the local Wal-mart in Akron, Dee-Marie (http://deemarie917.blogspot.com/) and I met Mary while we were on our lunch break.

Poor Mary, she needs a good girlfriend to tell her that a little makeup goes a long way and not the other way around. Mary or Scary Mary, as I’ve lovingly re-named her, is a horrific mess. She’s Mary Kay on Crack. You know how you can’t look away from a train wreck? THAT’s Scary Mary.

First let’s start with the Orange lipstick - yes, I said Orange – not coral – but Crayola Crayon Orange. (And, let’s be honest here – it was more so on her chin than her lips.) Second, was the eyeliner – and let me tell you – Mary, er Scary, took this one LITERALLY. Her ENTIRE eyelid (top and bottom) was outlined and it was a THICK outline – not a thin little line. The pièce de résistance, however, were her painted on eyebrows. I have to give Mary props though, because they WERE arched perfectly, however, they were not-so-natural-brown in color.

If I could, I would have taken her picture – but you’ll just have to take my word for it – the woman truly is a train wreck only this one you CAN look away from. I honestly just wanted to go back and grab some make up re-mover wipes and scrub her face until it squeaked. Oy! Her skin must be screaming for air underneath all of that make-up.

Smells gooood!

They say that a song can bring back a memory, but what about a smell?

While working from home yesterday, I had lit several candles in my living room for whatever reason. Anyway – as I took my breaks from resume searching to go downstairs for a refill of Ice tea and to change the laundry, I would walk through my fragrant living room and realized that I couldn’t stop smiling. The reason? The scent of my candle – Oakmoss from the Root Candle Co.

I love this scent – it smells like “boy.” Boy, you ask? What the heck does boy smell like? OHHHHH it smells like a boy (a CUTE boy) wearing your favorite cologne. My personal favorite cologne is Polo – Green Bottle or Drakkar or Cool Water by Davidoff. Oh my God! I get weak in the knees just thinking about hugging on a man with one of these colognes on. If it’s Polo – watch out – he can do no wrong and that is all I want to do!

So there I was – at home yesterday – thinking about boys. Hmmm… not much different than any other day – wish we could burn candles here at work.

Do you have a favorite cologne that your “man” wears? What is it? (Be nice!!)

She'll grow into them . . .

This past Sunday my BFF called and asked if I wanted to go shopping with her to get her daughters new shoes at the Outlet mall. I enthusiastically said yes, only after confessing that I had been sick and if she didn’t want me to go for fear of getting the girls sick, I would, sniff, totally understand. “Oh” she said, “you have the same thing Matt (husband) had this week, they’ve already been exposed.” YEA!!! I get to leave the house and re-join the land of the living!

So we head up to the Outlets, about a 40 minute ride, which, when it’s just the BFF and me, is a quick and often laugh filled ride. This time, however, there was a four year old and one year old in the car, so needless to say, Aunt Jill had to keep her Sailor Swearing mouth in check – which meant it was a LONG ride to the outlet. Given the choice, I would rather ride with my parents and talk about my sex-capades or lack there of, than keeping it PG or trying to decipher what a four year old is trying to say. Seriously, I think I came out of the wound talking (well, not really – mom had to pay a speech therapist to get me to talk properly – money WELL spent) but honest to God – how do you mommies do it? And the constant interrupting? Ummm… I’m trying to tell your mom about my current boy/man problems Miss Thing!

So we finally get to the Outlet Mall and make our way to Stride Rite shoes. Yep, this is going to be LOADS of fun for me. A shoe store for CHILDRENS SHOES – what kind of HELL did I just walk into. But wait. There are WOMENS shoes in here too!! And they’re on . . . SALE!!! I immediately run to the sandals and start searching for my size, when I realize that I’m supposed to be watching the four year old. Oops. Yeah, that “mommy gene,” I don’t have it. My friend looks at me with that “I brought you with us so you could help me” look and I drop the sale priced sandal and take over as Aunt Jill, keeper of the spastic four year old. So, instead of searching for MY SIZE shoe – we searched for AVERY’S size and I’ve got to say, it was fun. (and inexpensive since I didn’t buy shoes for ME!) Of course it’s MY job to get her the shoes (mainly because she is a bundle of energy and is destroying the displays by herself.) So, I’m finding her cute shoes to try on and as I come back to help her, she informs me that she needs NO HELP AT ALL from ME to put the shoes on for her – SHE CAN DO IT! (This was just painful watching her over and over again put the shoe on the wrong foot.)

Finally, we find a pair of shoes that both Avery and mom like and they were on sale for $12.99!! Aunt Jill ROCKS –yes, I can find a sale price in any size! Personally, I thought the shoes were a little big, but according to mom – “she’ll grow into them.” She’ll grow into them. Four words that I don’t think I’ve uttered since I was four years old perhaps. “She’ll grow into them.”

Those words stayed with me as we made our way into the ‘grown up’ store next door – The Gap. As mom and the one year old went to look for clothes for daddy, Avery and I went STRAIGHT to Aunt Jilly’s side of the store. Now, shopping with a four year old is NOT easy and I had to make it a game to keep her occupied and to keep me from screaming at her. So, I make her my personal assistant. She (and I) loved it!! She felt like a big girl and I had someone to hold onto everything I wanted to try on. I even taught her how to hold everything with both arms so the clothes wouldn’t drag on the floor – since she’s only 2 ½ -3 feet tall – this was crucial.

We head back to the fitting room and of course Miss Thing wants to come with me and not go with her mom. Now, I’m usually in the fitting room alone with only my self to criticize the view in the mirror. Today, I’m with myself, my self loathing thoughts, AND a four year old who is BRUTALLY honest. The first thing I try on is a tank tap. As I take off my shirt, Miss Honesty starts to giggle. My self loathing thoughts are candy-ass compared to a four year olds giggle. When an innocent little four year old laughs out loud as you take off your shirt, it’s time to call it a day.

So I finish with a pair of black dress pants, remembering what my friend said about Avery’s shoes “she’ll grow into them.” As I check the fit I think ‘not bad.’ ‘The diet is working and after a few more pounds, these will look even better.’ Funny thing about life. As a kid we can’t wait to ‘grow into our clothes or shoes’ and we can’t wait to get bigger. As an adult, we are constantly trying to ‘slim down’ to get into our clothes and get smaller.

I did buy the pants. They made my ass look fantastic and as a rule, if the ass looks good – buy the pants!